Acceptance Letter: Yale: The Crest can't get any smaller

Yale University New Haven, Connecticut 06520   Office of Undergraduate Admissions            
           
                      
 Dearest A...,
Congratulations on your admittance at Yale University, Class of 2017! We hope that you are alright with our informal greeting, we realize that this letter does not possess a tasteful thickness nor a watermark. Even so, we would like to extend to you a welcoming hand to our fine institution.

Allow me, personally, the pleasure of addressing, that your complete resume was simply phenomenal; so much so that it moved me to tears. You don't see many young women your age putting aside their own personal desires to assist in the warding off of the war in Uganda. God bless you. I especially enjoyed reading about your recent escapades to Burma, commonly known today as Myanmar. The stories you included were some of which I  can see published in a book of short tales, a book of which grandparents would engage in reading to their grandchildren by the fireplace on Christmas Eve for centuries to come. It possessed both the qualities of child-like whimsy we read in Roald Dahl, and the true spirit and triumph of the American Dream we hear in Conway Twitty; tasteful and sophisticated, yet ruthless. You are ,in fact, the pinnacle of a runaway American Dream. Let me just say that ,on behalf of the institution, we are honored that a personal friend of the Dalai Lama, the protégé of the legendary Andy Warhol, the mentor of Barbara Walters and the next heir to the Romanoff throne would even consider our humble establishment among many other options. Thank you.

We hope you enjoy your time here at Yale, and that later on you don’t end up transferring to Columbia. You cannot begin to fathom the devastation since the Waldorf incident -a truly dark day in the history of Yale- [ also the idea that Ms. Watson chose to go to Brown, is completely beyond me]. We encourage you to make the right choice and the choice that would be socially acceptable among your elite inner circle. Also, while you’re here, I strongly encourage you go out for our rowing team.

We look forward to hopefully seeing you on campus. We have a feeling that while you’re here, you will be the one to teach us something. Welcome to Yale!